As a Canadian who has been living in the USA for 6 years, it seems to me that this country's politics can best be described as carefully orchestrated hysteria. This isn't what I'm used to, but “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Therefore, I am considering the creation of my own political information clearinghouse to help the people here understand just how wrong they are about things that matter, and why they should start seeing the world precisely as I do. After all, I know stuff. I've even read some books.

Without further ado, I introduce my new organization:

Concerned Patriotic People of the Great American National Family Taking Action for Truth and Personal Liberty in Defense of Healthy Informed Reform

CPPGANFTATPLDHIR does not, as yet, have a clear platform. However, it is pretty much guaranteed that it will score well on search engines. And that's half the battle. (The other half, I've been told, is “knowing,” but I don't need to hear that.)

Our initial stance is that some people need to stop pretending they are thinking for themselves. They also need to stop substituting emotion for information. In addition, it might help if they realize that people who disagree with them are (probably) not dark minions of evil.

I should also mention God and Jesus, just to make sure that this article is more accessible (read: findable) to people who might be curious about the new organization. Okay, so that's done.

Oh, and don't forget to support our troops in one way or another.

If you would like to open a chapter of CPPGANFTATPLDHIR in your area, feel free to do so. However, when there's a schism between our chapters (and there will be, you heretic!) you'll have to stop using the name. Of course, the schism might occur because I changed my beliefs, or got caught in a compromising situation with a goat, but that's your problem (and the goat's, I guess).

Our first order of business is to find out why the spell-checkers on most browsers flag CPPGANFTATPLDHIR as a spelling error. This is persecution and it must be stopped — now! Also, taxes are too high. And sometimes my neighbor's car partially blocks my driveway. All this is persecution and it must be stopped — now!

There is work to be done, fellow citizen or resident alien! Let's roll up our sleeves, assuming we have sleeves, and get to work setting right what is wrong (as we see it) and making sure that people live in peace and harmony (as we see it).

If you do not see the total, utter, undeniable necessity of this, well, this is persecution and it must be stopped — now!

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